Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"The Club".

Sneak peek from my favorite pregnancy outfit thus far. More to come later :)
So. For clarification's sake, even though we just kind of announced it, I will actually be 6 months pregnant on Sunday. We've taken some pictures over the last few months (I will be sharing some btw), but I've felt too weird to make them public. We actually haven't even really formally announced that we are expecting.

So why the radio silence, you may ask? This is suppose to be a good thing right?

And yes it is. Now on to the verbal montage:

Most who know me well, will know that since I was a teenager, I've known that it would be very, very hard for me to have kids.  Most of the time I have been told that if I was able to get pregnant, it would most likely end in miscarriage.

Infertility is something I have dealt with most of my adult life. And I've been fine with it.

For me, adoption has always been, and still is in my mind just as special a way to bring children into your home as having them yourself, so I always knew, that one way or another, there would be children in my life, and my job was to have faith and know that everything would come in the Lord's time.

Not to say that I haven't still had my struggles with it. To this day, even being pregnant, it still irks me to no end when people try to plan out every aspect of when and how they are going to have children, what is going to be like, and exactly what they are going to do. The idea that they can try to control something so uncontrollable instead of accepting and finding satisfaction as they move through what comes is still something I am working on.

Also, after five years of marriage, living in a culture where bearing children is not just encouraged, but expected, I've had my fair share of people comment, "Oh, five years? And you don't have any children?" To which I respond, that we struggle with fertility issues and watch with a sort of morbid satisfaction as their face drains of all color and they stammer an embarrassed apology. I mean really people, when can you ever expect a good response from that comment? "I struggle with infertility. I hate my spouse. I hate children. Yeah, you know I really would like my husband to kick his gambling addiction before we started a family." Seriously.

Anyway, regardless of how you feel about it, when you struggle with infertility, you automatically become part of "The Club". And a very valuable, needed, and personal Club it is too. But honestly, it is a club that no one really wants to be a part of. You are there because some set of circumstances has made it impossible for you to live the life you always expected.

I've been uniquely equipped to handle being a part of the "The Club" and offer comfort and support because I've known and planned on infertility being a struggle for so long. But, because it is a club of necessity, and not a club of choice, it is always hard to see someone else leave. While you are so happy for them and the wonderful things happening in their lives, it breaks your heart all over again that they are moving on to the "Parent Club" while you are still stuck.

So. This pregnancy has been an interesting transition for me. I know and love so many women and friends who struggle with infertility, and a part of me feels guilty for moving out of the club on them. I know their struggles and their pain and disappointment, and my heart will always go out to anyone struggling with infertility.

What I have found to be the common denominator no matter what circumstance you are in though, is faith. Faith that a Father in Heaven loves you and wants you to be happy, and will fill our lives with the things that we need to find true joy when we are humble enough to open our hearts and mind to His will. It won't always be what we think we need, but it will always be what we need.

Even now, with such a blessing on the way, we have a whole new host of challenges and struggles to deal with. We've thought for so long that it would be a long while before we could afford to adopt, so in a lot of ways, we aren't really ready for the change in plans.

But my friends, that is a conversation for another day.

I hope if you struggle with infertility, my thoughts can bring you some peace, and if you don't, that they may bring you some much needed insight into a world of many, many amazing women.


Gentri said...

YOu are amazing, Heather. Thank you so much for sharing and opening up to us. I have even more respect and admiration for you now than I did before. :) You WILL make a wonderful mother and I am so happy for you. :)

Madi Marie said...

Heather I can't even begin to tell you how amazing a person you are and how amazing of a mom you will be. So so happy for you guys!

Elisse Carma said...

Heather.. I am so thrilled to hear your news! I wish I could see you and give you and your pregnant belly a big hug. I want to say, I think you will always be a part of "the club", because you've had that experience and you can always give comfort and hope to someone who is in the middle of it. I'm obviously a lucky mom but your blog post did bring me some needed comfort as I just experienced my fifth miscarriage. Having a child of your own heals so much of that pain but infertility or loss of pregnancy can still be heartbreaking for a mom.
I have hoped that you could join the parent club before long, and I am so happy to know that you will! You will be an incredible mother and I know that because you are an incredible person and a loving friend.

Tell Justin I said congrats! I just love you two so much! (and Nips!)

Elisse Carma said...

Oh also, I had the same doctors as you! (I know that because of your ultrasound picture)... Aagard delivered Amelia! They are wonderful! Love you.

mrjonnymac said...

Though we have not crossed paths in a long time, reading the post via FB gave me a great feeling of joy. I remember the conversations had in the office, and the basic details of the situation - and though the journey is not over, know you have great support. Thanks for posting :)

Laura and Adam said...

Heather I can't even tell you how blessed I feel to know you. You have such a special way of influencing those around you in a positive way. I am SO EXCITED for you and Justin!

medstudent said...

I know it has been forever since we have had any communication (some 3 or 4 year since we were in Concert Choir together...) but thank you for writing this beautiful post! I always knew I would have problems with infertility too and it was 4.5 years before my little boy was born (two weeks ago :) I loved your thoughts on leaving "The Club" because that is exactly how I felt I just couldn't write about it as eloquently as you. Thanks again for sharing and putting those same thoughts I was having into such beautiful words and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Sarah said...

I loved when you shared about the comments you got from people when they found out you'd been married that long and no kids. Seriously, if there's one thing I've learned from being married, it is that soooooooooo many people struggle with infertility. As painful as it must have been to get a response that blunt from you, hopefully their eyes will be opened and next time we'll all think before saying stuff like that again. Too funny. :)

brian and amanda said...

what a beuatiful post! so true and very real. congratulations!! don't feel bad that you have left "the club" it wasn't all that anyways. :)