|Sneak peek from my favorite pregnancy outfit thus far. More to come later :)|
So why the radio silence, you may ask? This is suppose to be a good thing right?
And yes it is. Now on to the verbal montage:
Most who know me well, will know that since I was a teenager, I've known that it would be very, very hard for me to have kids. Most of the time I have been told that if I was able to get pregnant, it would most likely end in miscarriage.
Infertility is something I have dealt with most of my adult life. And I've been fine with it.
For me, adoption has always been, and still is in my mind just as special a way to bring children into your home as having them yourself, so I always knew, that one way or another, there would be children in my life, and my job was to have faith and know that everything would come in the Lord's time.
Not to say that I haven't still had my struggles with it. To this day, even being pregnant, it still irks me to no end when people try to plan out every aspect of when and how they are going to have children, what is going to be like, and exactly what they are going to do. The idea that they can try to control something so uncontrollable instead of accepting and finding satisfaction as they move through what comes is still something I am working on.
Also, after five years of marriage, living in a culture where bearing children is not just encouraged, but expected, I've had my fair share of people comment, "Oh, five years? And you don't have any children?" To which I respond, that we struggle with fertility issues and watch with a sort of morbid satisfaction as their face drains of all color and they stammer an embarrassed apology. I mean really people, when can you ever expect a good response from that comment? "I struggle with infertility. I hate my spouse. I hate children. Yeah, you know I really would like my husband to kick his gambling addiction before we started a family." Seriously.
Anyway, regardless of how you feel about it, when you struggle with infertility, you automatically become part of "The Club". And a very valuable, needed, and personal Club it is too. But honestly, it is a club that no one really wants to be a part of. You are there because some set of circumstances has made it impossible for you to live the life you always expected.
I've been uniquely equipped to handle being a part of the "The Club" and offer comfort and support because I've known and planned on infertility being a struggle for so long. But, because it is a club of necessity, and not a club of choice, it is always hard to see someone else leave. While you are so happy for them and the wonderful things happening in their lives, it breaks your heart all over again that they are moving on to the "Parent Club" while you are still stuck.
So. This pregnancy has been an interesting transition for me. I know and love so many women and friends who struggle with infertility, and a part of me feels guilty for moving out of the club on them. I know their struggles and their pain and disappointment, and my heart will always go out to anyone struggling with infertility.
What I have found to be the common denominator no matter what circumstance you are in though, is faith. Faith that a Father in Heaven loves you and wants you to be happy, and will fill our lives with the things that we need to find true joy when we are humble enough to open our hearts and mind to His will. It won't always be what we think we need, but it will always be what we need.
Even now, with such a blessing on the way, we have a whole new host of challenges and struggles to deal with. We've thought for so long that it would be a long while before we could afford to adopt, so in a lot of ways, we aren't really ready for the change in plans.
But my friends, that is a conversation for another day.
I hope if you struggle with infertility, my thoughts can bring you some peace, and if you don't, that they may bring you some much needed insight into a world of many, many amazing women.