Saturday, April 14, 2012

back from the proverbial dead.

Sitting on my couch this morning, eating strawberries, with the beautiful spring sunshine beaming in through the cracks in my blinds, I had a sudden desire to write something.

It has been an interesting and difficult few months. I haven't felt much like writing, and when I have, it has felt false and too contrived, and yet in the back of my mind, I've felt guilty for feeling that way. I have such an abundant life. So many blessings and joys surround me daily. The fact that I felt overwhelmed by it all, only made me feel even worse.

I've tried to keep the things I say on my blog a cheerful reflection of the slightly inconsequential happenings in my life. The idea of talking about deeper, more private thoughts and feelings has always rankled me a bit, the idea alone making me feel uncomfortable. It always seemed foolish to me to put my thoughts and feelings out there where the world could see and perhaps mock or make light; yet the idea of trying to portray or personify anyone other than myself was just as off-putting.

The result became, however unintentionally, a computer hiatus that started as just a week, and stretched into more than three months. I had to make peace with my life, and re-evaluate the way I was engaging with the technological world. I realized that too often, I was allowing myself to drift into the realm of the fluffly, fake, and meaningless. I am an inherently happy and optimistic person, but even so, I found that my words and interactions were becoming less of a joy and release, and more of a calculated, formulaic chore.

So I waited. Waited for the time when I would be moved by a desire to write instead of a feeling of guilt.

I think the reassessment did me a lot of good. I want my interactions, both on and off the web to be more meaningful. I want them to be a reflection of a real effort to understand, love, and build relationships with others. I think I too often allow myself to get wrapped up in my own thoughts and my own mess, when what I really need most is to submerge myself in a love for others.

So I am back. I hope my musing here will be more meaningful and genuine from here out. I'm not saying I'll lay out all my problems for the world to see, but I like to think I have thoughts, experiences and feelings that can lift or help someone else.

So hello again. I'm back. And we have A LOT to catch up on. And that is the genuine truth.


Gentri said...

Welcome back miss Heather! I have missed you! I'm so sorry to hear that things were not going well. :( I hope that they are better and that you are happy. :)

Julie said...

You should know, I have always admired your genuinity.

sherri said...

Thanks for the heartfelt post and for sharing. I hope that you are feeling better! I definitely agree with taking a step back and focusing on what matters most..our relationships with others and love. I think I need to do this myself. I'd like to be more geniune and sincere myself! thanks for inspiring me! I look forward to your future posts. All the best!